Funny Quotes
by Vlad Taltos
Summary: I collect quotes and these are some funny ones.


Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile. I have made this my personally motto.

I believe that stupid comments are perfectly fine as long as they are followed by something sensible that is at least twice as long.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" - Arthur C. Clark

"I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image." - Stephen Hawking

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. - Mahatma Gandhi

"The only thing we can decide is what do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf to Frodo.

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. - Gandalf The Grey

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." - George Carlin

Everyone was created equal. Some are more equal than others… - George Carlin

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization." - George Carlin

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally" - W. C. Fields

"Although I am prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed." -Winston Churchill

Even heroes know when to be scared. - Fort Minor

You can't spell "belief" without "lie." - The Weak Mind

"Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog: you understand it better, but the frog dies in the process." —Mark Twain

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

-Mark Twain

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

-Steven Wright

My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.

-Woody Allen

"Ever have a feeling someone is reading your quote? Well, I have that feeling right now." - Me

It is not easy being old and deaf, but it is interesting. – tony smith

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

"Jaws was framed! Flipper did it!"

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and leave the world to figure out how the hell you did it.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for."

"Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the ducky."

Yes. I know I'm smarter than the people around me. Yes. I know I'm overconfident in my abilities, and that this will be my downfall, but as long as I fall slower than the loser next to me...It's all good.

If you get annoyed by comments on web sites that tell you to add them to your web site if you agree with them, add this to your web site.

Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightening kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

"You can't argue with all of the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention"

If you're a vegetarian just to be nice to the animals, why are you eating their food?

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Whenever you need a helping hand, you will find one on the end of your arm.

If you get the reputation as an early riser, you can sleep until noon.

Soldier: "Sir, we're surrounded!"

Major: "Good! Now we can attack from any direction!"

If "the pen is mightier than the sword", how come "actions speak louder than words"?

Once, I thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong.

Look wise. Say nothing. And eat only those who annoy you. ~ A dragon's advice

The situation is hopeless, but not serious.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

If my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN

Beware the deadly donkey falling slowly from the sky,

You can choose the way you live my friend but not the way you die!

1. You're reading this.

2. Now your saying/thinking that's a stupid fact.

4. You didn't notice that I skipped 3.

5. You're checking it now.

6. You're smiling.

7. You're wondering how a computer can read your mind.

8. You didn't notice that I skipped 7 either, you're not very observant.

9. You did not check this time.

10. That is good, you're learning to not let computers control your mind.

11. The thing is, I did not really skip 7

12. And, since I can read your mind I can tell you don't know how many lines I skipped without telling you.

14. Now you feel stupid, Mission accomplished.

(20 bucks says you're going to count the lines)

Do you remember the first comment? Well, do you think there were twice as many sensible comments as stupid ones?

(I think yes and no)

(One more thing to add to the stupid comments list)

(I bet you are going to reread this and count which comments you think are stupid and which ones aren't)

If there is no citation I assume it was anonymous.

Edit 11/24/10: What the hell people, this shitty ass, 1000 word piece of crap is getting more views than the stories that I actually spend time writing. Do you know how long it takes to write 75,000 words worth of story? A long fucking time, that's how long. Now get you and your short attention span over to my stories before I take this stupid thing down.


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